(different anon does a redo!) Your piece on the friend zone was quite possibly the most magical thing I have read in ages. You obviously understand male motivations and construct logical arguments based on the evidence that almost all men are misogynists. I hope you get others to rethink their arguments in the future.
I was tired. And I was sad. And angry, and desperate. But I was not only these things; they were not the sum total of my being. I was also passionate and funny and driven and I had fortitude, and all of these things remain true. I am passionate, funny, and driven, with fortitude. And I am sad.
It’s all right to be all of these things. I am painfully aware that my fortitude has gotten me this far, but it may not get me all the way. I am painfully aware that in my family depression is more pervasive than cancer and more lethal. I am painfully aware that one day, this thing that lives in me — that waits, onerous and unquiet, even when I am at my best — may kill me. I am doing everything in my power to keep that from happening. The silver lining of this is that it is responsible for a capacity I have for endless compassion, one I’ve tried to put to good use, as it’s a gift I don’t want to waste. I don’t see myself as tragic, and I don’t want to be seen as tragic. Tragedy has a tendency to objectify.
A lot of us don’t want our stories to be told posthumously, and so we must keep telling them. Every day. Every week. Even when, especially when, they do not seem particularly important or timely.
Your piece on the friend zone was quite possibly the most moronic thing I have read in ages. You obviously do not understand male motivations and instead construct wild arguments based on the assumption that all men are misogynists. I hope you rethink your arguments in the future.
you know what? i just ate a little bowl of reddi whip. because I can. And you made me realize that no matter how much whipped cream I eat and no matter how much weight i may gain, I am freaking gorgeous.
You may have already answered an ask like this, so I apologize in advance for checking previous asks first. My question: My weight is affecting my self-esteem in the worst way. It's something I work on daily, finding the common ground between self-acceptance and proper self-care. With that said, it's affected my dating/sex life. I'm aware that I'm insecure about my body but recognizing it isn't enough. Do you have any advice on boosting body-confidence?
THIS IS THE REALEST STRUGGLE. I feel like everybody has this struggle, no matter how big or small you are. Like, maybe some very self-actualized people do not have this struggle, and I envy them and hope they stub their toes a lot (only not really).
But it’s definitely the kind of struggle you can minimize. A lot of it comes down to two vital concepts. These are your new mantras for as long as you need them to be. Read them, learn them, write them on post-it notes and hang them on your mirror, whatever.
Comparison is of the devil.
The way I think about myself shapes how I feel about myself.
What do I mean by these things?
FIRST OF ALL, I mean that somebody else’s appearance and somebody else’s life has no bearing on yours whatsoever. Somebody else being hella attractive does not mean you are any less hella attractive; there’s not like, a certain amount of beauty or success or whatever in the world. Somebody else being attractive has no bearing on your attractiveness. Moreover, there will always be someone you feel is more attractive than you and someone you feel is less; comparing yourself to either of these people is at worst a method of self-torture and at best it makes you kind of a hater. Nobody needs that!
But yo, this is a pretty intense habit we’re socialized into doing, and it can be really hard to break! So here’s something that helped me: when you find yourself thinking of yourself in terms of comparison to other people, think in terms of “and” instead of “but” or “I wish.” So like, instead of “Wow, she has really beautiful eyes, I wish my eyes were that beautiful,” recognize when you’re having these thoughts and switch them up: “Wow, she has really beautiful eyes, and my hair is really bangin’. We rock.” Jealousy is a totally normal thing to feel, but it can be HELLA toxic.
This helps break the habit of making attractiveness and success gets you in the habit of complimenting yourself and b) aligning yourself with other people instead of pitting yourself against them, which helps my anxiety about this stuff significantly and may help yours.
Which leads me to point two: the way we think about ourselves shapes how we feel about ourselves. Again, we are encouraged and socialized to think shitty things about ourselves, and to constantly undermine ourselves in pursuit of “modesty.” Arrogance ain’t cute, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving yourself props when you want to.
Thinking negatively about myself will always, always make me feel shitty about myself. Without fail. So whenever I catch myself thinking something like, “I am a disgusting monster who will never find love,” I switch that sucker up and immediately compliment myself, even if all I can manage in the moment is “I am not a monster and lots and lots of people love me.” (Though ideally you will catch yourself in this thought and go, “Begone Debbie Downer Brain! I am a fierce and magnificent goddess and my boobs are ON POINT today and my ass NEVER QUITS.” Feel free hyperbolic. It helps.)
Make a point of complimenting yourself every day. I straight-up used to tape affirmations to my mirror; I would write things I liked about myself and then every morning I had a reminder of them. You can ask your close friends to write things down, too - then you have a little external validation to go along with your development of your internal validation.
The most important thing to remember is that this is a process. It won’t all change immediately — but you can teach yourself to think more positively about yourself. There are some days where it will be harder than others, or some weeks, AND THAT IS OKAY. Listen to yourself, and be kind to yourself. xo
Boom Studios has long been put out some great comics. Over the last year they have also had some comics that have the imprint rivaling Image for quality and freshness including Dead Letters and Lumberjanes. Now you can buy a whole collection of their comics while helping the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. For just over $15 (or more if you have it - CBLD is an important organization) you can get 95 comics.
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Dear everybody: DO THE THING. These are some amazing titles, and Humble Bundles do some great work. :)
“Tampons were packed with their strings connecting them, like a strip of sausages, so they wouldn’t float away. Engineers asked Ride, “Is 100 the right number?” She would be in space for a week. “That would not be the right number,” she told them. At every turn, her difference was made clear to her. When it was announced Ride had been named to a space flight mission, her shuttle commander, Bob Crippen, who became a lifelong friend and colleague, introduced her as “undoubtedly the prettiest member of the crew.” At another press event, a reporter asked Ride how she would react to a problem on the shuttle: “Do you weep?””—Astronaut Sally Ride and the Burden of Being “The First” (via dinosaurparty)
There was the time an old veterinarian made an exasperated noise when I tell him that my graduating class is going to be 80% women.
There was the time I was telling a formerly trusted male veterinarian mentor that I knew one nice surgeon and one unpleasant surgeon and his first response was “is the nasty one a woman?”
Same guy, asked if the female internist and medical director of my hospital was nice. And didn’t ask the same about the male medical director. Because it matters for women but not for men?
There are the mysoginistic men at school that formed a lab group of only dudes because they didn’t want to deal with any if the women in out class.
There’s also times when my own grandpa goes on rants about women not belonging in science but then amends it with “except you Hanna, you know how proud I am of you.”
And all of the supervising techs at work are men even though 90% or more of the staff are women.
Even in a science field totally that has recently become dominated by women, men still don’t respect us or want us in their space. When women are in positions of power, they feel uncomfortable and threatened. It’s exhausting and disgusting, and I’ve heard comments like this way more often than I should have.
This is why I need feminism, and why I want to excel so badly in this field.
traditional chinese is an actual written language used by millions of people, not symbols to be thrown around at the whim of set designers because they look cool and idk, serves to create a menacing asian atmosphere. this is so disrespectful, and made even worse by the fact that this film in set it taipei, taiwan where the official written language is traditional chinese.
it doesn’t matter that this film caters to a primarily “white” audience who won’t be able to read it, the language and culture of taiwan isn’t something for you to twist and use as you deem fit because it’s “exotic.”
lucy shoots a guy for not being able to speak english.
she l i t e r a l l y shoots this taiwanese taxi driver, in taiwan for not being able to speak english. she’s in taipei and she’s shooting people as they are of no use to her because they don’t speak english.
just think about the sort of message that’s sending out. she’s not being “bad-ass strong female character who takes no shit,” she’s saying that english is useful and better. this is the type of harmful ideology that stretches all the way back from when western countries were colonising and forcing their language and customs on other countries.
let me explain with a real life example. i was born in new zealand to two taiwanese parents. i am fluent in english, but mandarin is conversational at best. my friends in taiwan say that i am “so lucky” to speak fluent english, when they are fluent in mandarin and their english level is no worse than my mandarin. they tell me that they want to perfect their english but in the same breath tell me that mandarin isn’t worth perfecting because i have english and that’s “enough”. they also tell me how pretty my white friends are when they see pictures.
this is the type of neo imperialism ideology that they’ve grown up buying into. it honestly hurts and frustrates me that they belittle their own culture like this, honestly believing that the western world is superior. this is the type of neo imperialism ideology that this film (hopefully unintentionally) promotes: white people are better and will save the day.
if they wanted to film a movie about a white women getting back at those who had violated her, why not film it in a western country? if they wanted to film it in taiwan, why not find an asian lead actress?
i do agree that we need more women protagonists in action/superhero movies, but not like this. its not okay that the female lead needs to be kidnapped and have her body cut open without her consent in order to gain her powers, and those said those powers do not make any of this racist bullshit okay.
i am just so tired and angry of poc always being brushed off to the side as either props or villains in mainstream media.
as a poc, it’s so frustrating to see that the of the standard of beauty still white women when we live in multi-cultural societies and a diverse world.
feminism is about equality. a film in which poc are presented as evil and inferior before being killed off by a superior white woman does not promote equality.
ahh! that song that you posted was cool for a bit, but i couldn't help but notice the obvious skinny shaming. she used the term "skinny bitches" and portrayed the skinny woman to be fake, and lacking in substance. I also was put off by her validating her loving her body by saying that men like those bodies better. why does it always have to be about men and pleasing them! whyyyyyy. help, plz explain
a coupleof thingsto read (tl;dr, skinny shaming is not the same thing as fat shaming and not on the same level of oppression or pervasiveness)
ia that song isn’t as good as it could be and that there are problematic aspects, among them that it promotes a girl-vs-girl aesthetic that I am not into, and I don’t want everything to be about men either! but I reblogged it for a few reasons:
the validation of sexual desirability can be a huge part of fat empowerment. i think that’s an important thing to remember in conversations about sexualization and sexuality — validation of desirability is a huge, huge part of many people’s body acceptance journey.
media like that doesn’t exist in very great quantities, and spreading it around contributes to success and might lead to more of it. WHO KNOWS.
just because something isn’t perfect doesn’t mean we should totally discount it, imo. most things are problematic. it’s a balancing act.
lots and lots of different kinds of bodies and POC! representation is important
granted, I work 12 hour days most of the week and am exhausted nearly all of the time (y’all may have noticed this blog is not nearly as active as it used to be) so I did not actually contribute to the commentary going around on that video, nor did I actively seek out any of the many threads full of great discussion. that’s my bad.
You say, "This is a judgment-free zone" in the "About this site" sidebar. But, as I understand it, in your "Open Letter to Men Who Cry 'Misandry'", you say presumptuous things about men who claim that many women do hateful things against men, and in "Man-Hating 101", you are also presumptuous that an oppressed minority cannot be prejudiced against their oppressors as a whole. My question is, how do these two seemingly judgmental claims of yours line up with this being a judgment-free zone?
It’s been over a year now since I started my campaign for trans woman inclusion at Smith College, and I’ve kept silent. I’ve not made any dorky Sherlock jokes or started any conversations about trans equality here, although—in case you’re wondering—I’ve been busy with other activism as part of the SPARKsummit intergenerational, intersectional (international as well) feminist organization. I’m a college sophomore now. The administration at Smith has paid some lip-service to trans inclusion since the campaign and petition, although their current policies are still ridiculous and unrealistic for the majority of trans women. You can read about the recent protest on campus here.
More than a year’s passed since that first letter to you. And life has moved on for me, in a lot of ways.
Me, at the beginning of the Smith Campaign.
Me, 12:40am, 7/21/2014.
I’m a premed-track English major at the UConn Honors program, and I’m both scared and excited about organic chemistry with four English classes next semester. I’ve since realized my gaming snobbery and am finally getting into League of Legends. My hair was, indeed, dark green for a while—now it’s fading into gold-brown, a weird color that somehow feels exactly right to me. The biggest change so far isn’t something that visible, though—having a year to figure out and come to terms and grow into myself has been kind to me.
I’m learning to feel my fear, but not to let it stop me or haunt me or turn me back from what I must do. I’m learning to look after myself, too. For once in my life I am aware that the proverbial Stamina Bar™ above my head isn’t infinite, and that it’s alright to ask for help rather than burning out alone. The past year has shown me that I am a person deserving of my own care, my own shield raised high.
The truth is, it’s exactly my neglecting these lessons that’s prompted me to write this letter. I told myself when I started the first draft of this letter (about half a year ago) that I’d not draw this out more than necessary. It’s difficult, and I’ve been scared to ask for the past year, and I’m scared right now, but I’ve got to ask.
I need your help, everyone, in raising money for bottom surgery—also known as SRS (a somewhat outdated but still-popular term, “sex-reassignment surgery”) or GCS (gender confirmation surgery). I would like to raise $20,000 by August 29th to repay at least the monetary debt I owe to my parents, who have already pledged to fully fund the cost of my bottom surgery. I can only hope that I’ll be able to honor the support and love my parents have given me over many more years.
Of course I’ve been thinking about all the responses I could get for a long time now.
I understand there are many worthy causes you could donate to, and I’m sure that what I ask seems outlandish. The sheer enormity of the amount I am asking for does not escape me—but the simple truth is that I want to repay in at least monetary terms, what my parents have freely given me.
I am wordlessly lucky to be my parents’ daughter. If not for them, there would be no activist Calliope Wong—there would be no campaign for trans equality in admissions at Smith, or any of it. I understand this is a great deal of money I am asking to raise. The timeframe I am looking at—about one month and a week—is also extremely short. But our power, in numbers, is so strong.
I know that not everyone is able to donate, and that is perfectly fine. Share on social media, if you’re able. I only ask that you remember—over 5,000 people signed the petition for my campaign, asking for trans women at Smith. With 5,000 supporters, repaying my monetary debt is also possible.
I write too much, now.
Just to say:
I would like to pay back the two people behind all of my efforts, my parents, so that I can finally put the question of “should I ask” and “did I try hard enough to honor them” to rest. Please, help me to repay this debt of love.
Hey Shychemist. I've been following your blog for awhile and I want to bring up something that seems dated but nonetheless holds to be accurate today. I feel like the girls who consider themselves to be on the science side of tumblr to be horribly mistaken. It's statistically proven that women applicants struggle to get into stem doctorate programs, and rightfully so, they don't belong there. examples- atomic-o-licious, brainsx , adventuresinchemistry, i can't fit anymore but you get it
It doesn’t seem dated, your attitude is dated. This is the 21st century.
Women deserve to be in STEM programs just as much as men. I’d wager they deserve to succeed in the Sciences even more than men because of the sexism and misogyny they experience.
They struggle to get in because they’re the minority, and a lot of people who could admit them are sexist (regardless of gender) because of the society they grew up in. Its not through any intellectual weakness. These women are amazing and just as smart as the men in their fields.
You have no right to say these things to these amazing women, many of whom I consider to be friends.
THE FEMINISM TAG QUICKLY IS FILLING UP WITH GRAPHIC PICTURES OF VIOLENCE, GORE, AND MUTILATION. THIS IS NO LONGER A RUMORED PLAN— IT IS A STRATEGIC, ANTI-FEMINIST ATTACK THAT IS IN PROGRESS. MEMBERS OF 4CHAN ARE BRUTALIZING THE FOLLOWING TAGS WITH HIGHLY DISTURBING AND TRIGGERING IMAGES:
Womyn of color
Unleash the dragon
Shut down 4chan
PLEASE STAY OFF OF THE FEMINISM TAG AND SIMILAR SOCIAL JUSTICE TAGS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
In your upworthy article on wonder woman, how about actually addressing the actual misandry part, since it is a legitimate claimed that you conveniently brushed over. A female only society that kills men and their own male babies sounds pretty god damned misandrist to me. Then there is the original sexist origin story from the creator of Wonder Woman that apparently no men equals a utopia, which is bullshit.
Sounds like someone is mad because there’s finally going to be a Wonder Woman movie.
“The thing is that if someone is being shamed, stigmatized, bullied etc. for being fat, and we say “they aren’t fat” or “they aren’t even that fat” in their defense, what we are also saying is that there is a size at which they would deserve that treatment, and that’s just not true.
Countering fat shaming by denying fatness says that the person doesn’t deserve poor treatment (which is true) but at the expense of reinforcing the incorrect idea that they would deserve it if they were fat (or some greater degree of fat), or that being called fat is an insult. There is no size at which people deserve to be treated poorly.”—She’s Not That Fat | Dances With Fat (via tomhannigers)
The Michigan Women’s Justice & Clemency Project has done extensive research on homicide, and why women kill men versus why men kill women. It’s an important, heart-breaking read. Biiiig trigger warning for domestic violence, abuse, and homicide.
Some takeaways from this research (and pardon any gender essentialism/casual cissexism):
Women kill men primarily out of self-defense. Men kill women primarily out of sexual jealousy.
For these crimes, women are punished more harshly by US legal systems than men.
Entitlement and control is a huge factor in men killing women.
Domestic violence shelters have led to a decrease in women killing men, but not men killing women.
I am 1000% done with fat activism that doesn’t include double chins, bodies that aren’t hourglass or “pear” shaped, or fat WOC (ESPECIALLY dark skinned Black women).
"Idealized Fat", "Acceptably Fat", "GOOD FAT" is still exclusionary and harmful, and causes a lot of us to continue to hate ourselves. If you’re going to teach radically inclusive self-love, how about you step it up on the representation.
Right this minute, there is someone going through chemotherapy shopping at your grocery store, buying popsicles and ice cream to help their sore mouth, and worrying what the cashier is going to think.
There is someone on hemodialysis buying white bread instead of whole wheat, trying to keep their phosphorus levels reasonable between appointments and hoping for the best.
There is a person attending intensive outpatient treatment for their eating disorder who has been challenged by their therapist to buy a Frappuccino.
There are dietitians picking up a dozen different candy bars to eat with their clients, who feel ashamed and guilty about enjoying them.
There is someone who just doesn’t have it in them to cook right now, and this frozen pizza and canned soup will keep them going.
There are people recovering from chronic dieting and semi-starvation who are buying chocolate and chips at their deprived body’s insistence.
All around us are people listening to what their bodies need and attempting to make the best possible choice within a context of overwhelming food pressure. All of their choices are valid, and every single one of these foods is “real.”