big fat feminist

I want to be friends with you

Asked by
Anonymous

But why are you anon though??

As someone who has bipolar disorder or manic depression, I'm not offended by either term, and have not known anyone else to be (I know that doesn't mean EVERYONE finds both terms okay, just that neither may be considered offensive). The best thing to do is, if you are referencing someone, to ask if they have a preference. :)

Asked by
Anonymous

Definitely. I guess I’ll do a little research and see if I can find any specific references to what’s used in the general sense for now. Thank you, anon!

Hey girl! I think you're great, but you referred to people with bipolar as "manic depressives" a little while ago and I just want to say that I think maybe avoid that particular illness title, as it's quite outdated and has been used offensively! (Errr, I think it has. I don't have links at hand, so I could be wrong. It is, however, definitely outdated.) You're the best and I hope you had a nice New Year's.

Asked by
Anonymous

Ah! Hm. I asked my mother, who is a LCSW at a large research-oriented hospital in the psychiatric unit, and apparently that’s the term her unit uses? Which is hardly conclusive of it being generally outdated, but she doesn’t use “bipolar” anymore for exactly the same reasons you’re telling me not to use “manic depressive.”

So. I’m not sure?

Thank you for sharing that link. My brothers and I all have mental illnesses (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and IED among us), and I know what it's like to have to call the police on them, and have them threaten, bruise, and attempt to kill me and our family. Thank you for humanising the "monsters". Thank you for letting people know that they need help, and that no one wants to give it to them.

Asked by
Anonymous

People assume that manic depressives, schizophrenics, etc. are unfixable and inhuman, because that’s what they’ve been told by any number of bullshit movies and sensationalist sources. It’s not true. But it’s not like the USA does much to provide resources, which is absolutely fucking shameful.

My mother works firsthand with mentally ill people every day; she’s an LCSW in the psychiatric unit of a prominent hospital in CT. One of the things she’s impressed upon me since I was very young is that very few people are true monsters (which is not to say true monsters don’t exist - people like Ted Bundy and any number of historical dictators come to mind); more often, people are sick, and they and their families are without the resources to manage their illness. They’re not less than or stupid or monstrous; they’re sick.

And the system inhales them and spits them back out again as soon as possible, and throws them in prison as soon as they can. It’s so, so, so fucked up. It blows my goddamn mind.

All this to say that you don’t need to thank me. I just wish more people understood.

Hey, you'll probably get this a lot. I saw that thing about SF providing free gender change operations, and though I think it's important for trans* people to be able to express their gender physically, I was wondering if these very scarce government resources should be directed towards something that's not potentially life-threatening. I have yet to hear of the government providing body dysmorphic people with free plastic surgery.

Asked by
Anonymous

There are two things I’d like to address about this question. First, sex reassignment surgery is addressing something that’s potentially life-threatening. Second, trans* people who want a sex reassignment surgery (not all do!) are often body dysmorphic, but for body dysmorphic people whose dysmorphia is related to ED or body image, plastic surgery is not a good treatment option.

Sex reassignment surgery can curb depression, self-harm, and suicidal behavior. Hormone therapy can decrease bullying, because trans* people find it easier to “pass.” And in general, it leads to a more accepting culture of trans* people, which is always a good thing and has far-reaching and lifesaving consequences. The government finds this a worthwhile, important use of its resources, thus sending a message that it’s not weird, or ridiculous, or irrational behavior. It validates the need for trans* acceptance on a societal level. That is incredibly important.

In regards to plastic surgery for body dysmorphic people who are not dysmorphic due to their gender and sex misaligning, that’s simply not an effective response in most cases. Body dysmorphia in people with eating disorders as related to body image will often not be solved by plastic surgery, because those people (and I am one of them) find it next to impossible to see their body as it truly is. Plastic surgery probably won’t change that — at least, there’s not enough of a chance that it will to justify it as a standard practice of treatment.

There is an added layer of plastic surgery being an incredibly problematic practice founded on structural sexism against women in the media, and the pressure to look a certain way that is pervasive in every facet of our culture and is a huge part of the reason for the rise in ED, eating disordered behavior, bullying based on size, and body dysmorphia — as well as higher rates of depression, self-harm, and suicidal behavior, especially among teenage cis girls.

They’re simply not parallel issues. To conflate them as such is not only erroneous, but dangerous.

Edit for this very apt reply:

runaway said: This is true and important, but it’s also important not to conflate BDD with eating disorders. They’re often comorbid but v much different things.

So, here's the deal: it's my first year of middle school. Grade seven, just turned thirteen, the big whoop. The problem is guys tend to get ahold of my number from other guys (Who've gotten my number from my girlfriends) and always ask me weird stuff, like if I finger myself or what my bra size is. Because girls at my school willingly tell them, they think I will as well and it pisses me off because I am someone who deserves more respect. Could you help me on how to go about this?

Asked by
Anonymous

Oh dang! This is kinda dangerous, the giving-out-numbers-willy-nilly thing, and WAY disrespectful besides. Way to go, socialization of dudes that makes them feel entitled to know that kind of thing. But it sounds like you know all that, so I’ll spare you a lecture.

You can’t control what your friends do. You can talk to to them about how you feel, but ultimately their decisions are theirs. You can, however, control your own boundaries.

Start with your friends. Some of them may genuinely be having these text conversations because they want to, and that’s okay; if they’re being unsafe about it, that’s a whole ‘nother conversation. But some of them — I’m willing to bet a lot more of them than you’d think — are probably just as uncomfortable and unhappy with it as you are, and are going along with things because they don’t want to be made fun of or seen as prudish or weird. But wanting to assert your boundaries is not prudish OR weird, at all. It’s a way to take control over your own body, and will make you feel more comfortable in and empowered by your own skin. Tell them you have no interest in sharing those details with anyone. If they ask why, you can tell them the truth: that you believe those actions are incredibly disrespectful, and you think that you’re all worthy of more respect than that. Tell them also that you respect their right to make whatever decisions they want to make, and that it does not make them lesser people in your eyes, but that you don’t want your number given out. You can talk to them about how you don’t feel you owe those boys anything. Try not to make this conversation confrontational — it really can just be a conversation, like “Hey guys, I get that you think this is cool, but this is how I feel.” Use what psychologists call “I” words - “I feel,” “I think,” “This makes me feel,” instead of “you” words, which can put people on the defensive.

A conversation that goes:

“Hey, Tiffany? I’m really uncomfortable about boys texting me these things. I wish my decisions were being respected, and I don’t feel like they are. Can you please stop giving my number out?”

…is WAY different than

“Hey Tiffany, you giving out my number to boys was really fucked up and you made me really uncomfortable when you said that I was weird for not wanting to be involved.”

Hear the difference?

If you speak up in a way that respects your friends but makes your own needs and boundaries clear, it’s pretty likely other friends that also feel uncomfortable will be empowered to speak up, too. If you have any friends that you think might feel the same way, start with them first — both of you will feel less alone.

As for the boys, block their numbers. It’s not even worth responding. Like, why bother? They’re not entitled for even an explanation - you blocking their numbers will be enough. If you can’t do that for some reason, just don’t respond to those texts.

I gotta say this: if this escalates, go to an adult you trust instead of trying to handle it yourself. Emphasis on “you trust.” You don’t need to tell an adult just for the sake of telling an adult. You can talk to your older brother or sister (if you have one), or your cool aunt Dani, or your guidance counselor, or your math teacher who brings in cookies for everybody, like, once a week. You want support in your corner, and I guarantee you that you have it somewhere. You have it here, for one thing.

I hope this helps. Don’t hesitate to reach out again if you need to.

I'm a vegan and I completely agree with pretty much all of the "bad things" you've said about veganism. I know that it's not possible for everyone to be vegan. I don't think everyone should be, because it's just not possible and it's incredibly stupid and uneducated to think so. Although I would support and encourage anyone who wanted to try it, I don't openly talk about it unless someone specifically asks.

Asked by
Anonymous

Word. I’m sure that for every loudmouth jerk, there are ten people just livin’ life.

Is there a way to ask someone where they got their stats from without sounding like a troll? I'm a feminist and an academic, and there are times when I see bloggers make statements that aren't qualified or referenced and... I just really want to know where they get their facts from, but at the same time I'm worried it could be derailing the discussion. Advice please?

Asked by
Anonymous

Oh, totally. Just word it nonconfrontationally from a space of genuine interest — like, “Hey, this is super interesting. Where’d you get your info from? I’d love to read up more on it and educate myself.”

Do you know of any resources aimed specifically at fat women recovering from eating disorders? I'm in recovery for EDNOS but I feel excluded from ED spaces because I'm fat and excluded from fat spaces because my body image is so bad. Every ED recovery site ever talks about how recovery won't make you fat, but that just makes me feel worse because I'm already fat.

Asked by
Anonymous

Hm. I don’t, but frankly I could probably use some positive spaces like this myself.

Suggestions, followers?

My best friend has really low body image, and I want her to feel comfortable talking about it with me. But when she does talk about how ugly she thinks she is, I'm never really sure what to say. I thought you might be able to help. thanks

Asked by
Anonymous

I empathize. Sometimes it can be hard to support someone with low self-esteem, because everything feels wrong as something to say; “You’re not ugly” isn’t convincing and can be exhausting to repeat ad nauseum. The problem is larger than that, anyway, and that’s where you come in as a supportive friend.

When our friends talk to us about their low self-esteem, they’re doing it for a couple of possible reasons. They might want to be contradicted. They might want to be comforted. They might just be venting. Or, you know, any combination of the above. What you can do instead of just repeating that they’re not ugly is offer actions and affirmations. Remind them that it’s not their body that’s wrong — it’s our entire screwed-up society that doesn’t allow anyone to feel confident about themselves. Point them at resources like body positive blogs and books. Write supportive post-its and leave them on their locker/in their notebooks/on their door. Suggest doing something that makes you both feel good, like going out dancing or taking a hike; joyful body movement can be totally game-changing for your mental state.

Self-esteem is always a process, for everyone, and unfortunately you can’t start it for your friend. But you can help her start it for herself!

And you can be honest with her, too, and say things like “You know, I don’t know what to say because I think you’re so wonderful and so beautiful and I hate seeing you in pain like this, because I care about you. But I want you to know that I’ll always listen to you vent. What else can I do to help you?”

Good luck. x