11 posts tagged advice
Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.
11 posts tagged advice
You know what? The “heavy work” of history was done by slaves of all genders. And by “heavy work” I’m not only talking about lifting rocks or whatever the hell this dude is thinking, but keeping everything clean, doing all the cooking, and giving birth.
My opinion on that is that it’s total bullshit and is the reason usually given by people who know they’re not in the right but are too stubborn to admit that feminism is necessary and important.
The idea that women are generally not as strong as men is a huge generalization that is wildly subjective — like, what does he mean by strength, anyway? The strength required to swim 50 laps versus the strength required to lift 200 pounds are so different, and women are just as capable as men of doing either of those kinds of work.
It’s also a logical fallacy to point out that women’s rights are fucked up, but men “do harder work.” The two have nothing to do with one another. Rights are rights regardless of how hard you’re working or how much physical strength is required to do that work. Ask him if he thinks a man who works in construction is more entitled to his rights than a man who works as an accountant.
Rebloggable by request with an excellent addition from thezombiesaid:
not to mention that women have ALREADY proven in recent history that they can do hard work; did women not take over mens manual labor when the men went off to fight in the World Wars? such a ridic argument.
Be kind to yourself. Your partner wants to be there with you — they aren’t under some illusion that your body is something it’s not. Take deep breaths. Think about the things your body does for you that you appreciate, and the parts of you that you are fond of. Be unapologetic about loving those parts of you. Ask for reassurance — we all need reassurance sometimes, and it’s okay to get it from your partner. Let yourself feel good without being ashamed of it, because you deserve to feel good as much as anyone else does. Forgive your body, and forgive yourself for when you’ve been cruel to it.
Read this. Read this. Read this. Read this. Read this. Reread any of the ones that resonate with you as many times as you need to. Find other things that resonate. Reread all of them, any time you need to.
Remember this: You are deserving of love. Remember this: Becoming comfortable in your own skin is a process and a journey, and how it will happen and how long it will take is entirely up to you. You get to choose this path.
Have as many goddamn orgasms as you can.
Hitting people is wrong! Don’t hit people (unless they expressly ask you to, you trust each other, and there is a safeword involved)!
Your key phrase there is “If men and women are equal,” because we don’t live in that world. Men and women ARE equal, but they are not TREATED equally. Instead, we live in a world where women get thrown out of state courthouses for saying the word “vagina,” women’s bodies are still legislated (by men), most positions of power are still held by men, and it is overwhelmingly men who make the laws and the media and the rules.
Until homeboy understands that and all of its implications, he’s not going to understand why saying dumb shit like “If men and women are equal, I can totally hit a girl if she hits me first!” isn’t okay.
What up, questions I got within a day of each other! I’m gonna answer these together because while they’re not quite the same thing, they’re sort of the same thing.
To answer the first question: No, because structural sexism isn’t a tool of oppression against cis men in the way it is against cis women. Sexism doesn’t move both ways in equal measure. The term “friendzone” has become slang shorthand for “I deserve sex from this girl because I was nice to her,” which I think we can all agree is total BS.
But the term itself is kind of total BS, tbh.
Here’s the annoying thing about a “friendzone” — I actually understand SOME OF the mentality behind it (like, the non-gross version), because it sucks to wanna date someone and have them be all, “No [thank you] [because I am in love with my aunt Muriel] [because I am currently on a journey of self-discovery] [because you matter a lot to me and I’m not in a place for a relationship right now] [because I’m in a deeply committed relationship with my Iron Man socks] [because I am never dating anyone ever again] [because I don’t even understand my own sexuality] [because I need my lover to speak a very specific dialect of French and you do not] [because I am not attracted to you].” Some of those suck more and/or are weirder than others. So I get it! I get how much it sucks, and/or is weird.
But here’s the thing, Asker Of Question 2: if you care about somebody, and they care about you but they don’t want to date you, then you get to be friends with that person. Damn. That’s just the fucking coolest. Friends still hang out. Friends still talk to each other about deep-seated insecurities, slightly paranoid worldviews, awesome movies, terrible music, and phallic vegetables.
Remember that your friend isn’t required to love you back romantically just because you’re friends, even if your friendship is eight billion times more important to either of you than any of your other friendships, even if every single person they choose to date is terrible for them, even if you can’t imagine a world where you are not waking up in this person’s bed on Saturday morning, even if you really really want to put your mouth on their mouth, even if you know everything about this person and they know everything about you. Even if you are in love with them. You are a person who deserves love, but you are not a person who is going to guilt this friend you love about not feeling romantic feelings for you. Right? Right.
You need to respect their boundaries, and (possibly more importantly) you need to take care of yourself.
If your friend was nasty/mean/otherwise unnecessarily a dick to you when you told them that you were into them, cut that sucker loose. It is absolutely not worth your time to invest energy into someone who greeted a declaration of love with something hurtful. Period. Your love is a gift, and someone who throws it back in your face is not someone you need in your life.
But let’s assume that this isn’t what happened, and that you and your friend had an awkward but ultimately good conversation about your feelings. Sometimes, to be friends with this person you’ve just expressed your unrequited romantic interest in, one or both of you is going to need to take a little time to reassess how this friendship is going to work in your post-declaration-of-interest world. Depending on how serious your feelings are, you might be in for some work — work like communicating more carefully with each other, defining your boundaries more clearly, or (if you are in a lot of pain, which it sounds like you might be) taking a breather from the closeness that has mattered so much to you. All of these things are healthy and OK. It is important that you do what you need to in order to take care of yourself.
I know this sucks. I know this sucks. But nothing sucks forever, and I bet you and your friend are going to figure shit out. If a relationship matters to you, you work on it.And all relationships take work, Asker of Question 2. Even friendships (maybe especially friendships). It’s okay for it to feel hard for a little while. Be patient, be kind and gentle with yourself, and be open to the work. It will be okay.
I don’t think “everyone” is okay with him — I think that he makes a lot of money through a very dedicated fanbase, and therefore the music industry is willing to let his behavior slide.
I can’t speak for Rihanna, and I don’t think it’s right to dissect her choices as if we know what’s going on in her life. We don’t! Straight up. Here are some resources about abusive relationships that might help you understand the dynamics of that cycle, and here’s a piece by Roxane Gay that gives a very empathetic, poignant POV on the situation.
WHOA THIS DUDE NEEDS TO STEP OFF.
Here’s the thing: if somebody hurts you, they hurt you. It’s not their business to decide whether or not you’re being too sensitive! What the fuck does “being too sensitive” even mean, anyway, in this world where everyone’s had something deeply painful to them happen by the time they graduate from high school? No one knows what the hell anyone else is going through at any given time, and therefore if someone says to you, “Hey, when you said this it really hurt me/made me uncomfortable/was kind of fucked up,” you listen.
So who cares if I’d be hurt? You were hurt. And that is valid whether or not I would be hurt, or this guy thinks you were being too sensitive. It’s a thing you felt, and you are allowed to feel your feelings.
If it’s going to continue to bother you — if it really matters — confront him again. Tell him that whether or not he thinks an apology is warranted doesn’t matter, because he is not the one to whom the apology is owed.
If you can square with yourself that this guy was being an ass and move past that and know in your heart that he was being an ass regardless of whether or not he knows he was being an ass, don’t bother. It’s totally not worth your time to try to convince someone that you have a right to feel how you feel. If he doesn’t get that, he needs more help than you can give him.
P.S. Miss Piggy is objectively the best Muppet.
Oh dang! This is kinda dangerous, the giving-out-numbers-willy-nilly thing, and WAY disrespectful besides. Way to go, socialization of dudes that makes them feel entitled to know that kind of thing. But it sounds like you know all that, so I’ll spare you a lecture.
You can’t control what your friends do. You can talk to to them about how you feel, but ultimately their decisions are theirs. You can, however, control your own boundaries.
Start with your friends. Some of them may genuinely be having these text conversations because they want to, and that’s okay; if they’re being unsafe about it, that’s a whole ‘nother conversation. But some of them — I’m willing to bet a lot more of them than you’d think — are probably just as uncomfortable and unhappy with it as you are, and are going along with things because they don’t want to be made fun of or seen as prudish or weird. But wanting to assert your boundaries is not prudish OR weird, at all. It’s a way to take control over your own body, and will make you feel more comfortable in and empowered by your own skin. Tell them you have no interest in sharing those details with anyone. If they ask why, you can tell them the truth: that you believe those actions are incredibly disrespectful, and you think that you’re all worthy of more respect than that. Tell them also that you respect their right to make whatever decisions they want to make, and that it does not make them lesser people in your eyes, but that you don’t want your number given out. You can talk to them about how you don’t feel you owe those boys anything. Try not to make this conversation confrontational — it really can just be a conversation, like “Hey guys, I get that you think this is cool, but this is how I feel.” Use what psychologists call “I” words - “I feel,” “I think,” “This makes me feel,” instead of “you” words, which can put people on the defensive.
A conversation that goes:
“Hey, Tiffany? I’m really uncomfortable about boys texting me these things. I wish my decisions were being respected, and I don’t feel like they are. Can you please stop giving my number out?”
…is WAY different than
“Hey Tiffany, you giving out my number to boys was really fucked up and you made me really uncomfortable when you said that I was weird for not wanting to be involved.”
Hear the difference?
If you speak up in a way that respects your friends but makes your own needs and boundaries clear, it’s pretty likely other friends that also feel uncomfortable will be empowered to speak up, too. If you have any friends that you think might feel the same way, start with them first — both of you will feel less alone.
As for the boys, block their numbers. It’s not even worth responding. Like, why bother? They’re not entitled for even an explanation - you blocking their numbers will be enough. If you can’t do that for some reason, just don’t respond to those texts.
I gotta say this: if this escalates, go to an adult you trust instead of trying to handle it yourself. Emphasis on “you trust.” You don’t need to tell an adult just for the sake of telling an adult. You can talk to your older brother or sister (if you have one), or your cool aunt Dani, or your guidance counselor, or your math teacher who brings in cookies for everybody, like, once a week. You want support in your corner, and I guarantee you that you have it somewhere. You have it here, for one thing.
I hope this helps. Don’t hesitate to reach out again if you need to.
Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.