big fat feminist

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(different anon does a redo!) Your piece on the friend zone was quite possibly the most magical thing I have read in ages. You obviously understand male motivations and construct logical arguments based on the evidence that almost all men are misogynists. I hope you get others to rethink their arguments in the future.

Asked by
Anonymous

AW SHUCKS

You may have already answered an ask like this, so I apologize in advance for checking previous asks first. My question: My weight is affecting my self-esteem in the worst way. It's something I work on daily, finding the common ground between self-acceptance and proper self-care. With that said, it's affected my dating/sex life. I'm aware that I'm insecure about my body but recognizing it isn't enough. Do you have any advice on boosting body-confidence?

Asked by
Anonymous

THIS IS THE REALEST STRUGGLE. I feel like everybody has this struggle, no matter how big or small you are. Like, maybe some very self-actualized people do not have this struggle, and I envy them and hope they stub their toes a lot (only not really).

But it’s definitely the kind of struggle you can minimize. A lot of it comes down to two vital concepts. These are your new mantras for as long as you need them to be. Read them, learn them, write them on post-it notes and hang them on your mirror, whatever.

  1. Comparison is of the devil. 
  2. The way I think about myself shapes how I feel about myself.

What do I mean by these things?

FIRST OF ALL, I mean that somebody else’s appearance and somebody else’s life has no bearing on yours whatsoever. Somebody else being hella attractive does not mean you are any less hella attractive; there’s not like, a certain amount of beauty or success or whatever in the world. Somebody else being attractive has no bearing on your attractiveness. Moreover, there will always be someone you feel is more attractive than you and someone you feel is less; comparing yourself to either of these people is at worst a method of self-torture and at best it makes you kind of a hater. Nobody needs that!

But yo, this is a pretty intense habit we’re socialized into doing, and it can be really hard to break! So here’s something that helped me: when you find yourself thinking of yourself in terms of comparison to other people, think in terms of “and” instead of “but” or “I wish.” So like, instead of “Wow, she has really beautiful eyes, I wish my eyes were that beautiful,” recognize when you’re having these thoughts and switch them up: “Wow, she has really beautiful eyes, and my hair is really bangin’. We rock.” Jealousy is a totally normal thing to feel, but it can be HELLA toxic.

This helps break the habit of making attractiveness and success gets you in the habit of complimenting yourself and b) aligning yourself with other people instead of pitting yourself against them, which helps my anxiety about this stuff significantly and may help yours.

Which leads me to point two: the way we think about ourselves shapes how we feel about ourselves. Again, we are encouraged and socialized to think shitty things about ourselves, and to constantly undermine ourselves in pursuit of “modesty.” Arrogance ain’t cute, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving yourself props when you want to.

Thinking negatively about myself will always, always make me feel shitty about myself. Without fail. So whenever I catch myself thinking something like, “I am a disgusting monster who will never find love,” I switch that sucker up and immediately compliment myself, even if all I can manage in the moment is “I am not a monster and lots and lots of people love me.” (Though ideally you will catch yourself in this thought and go, “Begone Debbie Downer Brain! I am a fierce and magnificent goddess and my boobs are ON POINT today and my ass NEVER QUITS.” Feel free hyperbolic. It helps.)

Make a point of complimenting yourself every day. I straight-up used to tape affirmations to my mirror; I would write things I liked about myself and then every morning I had a reminder of them. You can ask your close friends to write things down, too - then you have a little external validation to go along with your development of your internal validation.

The most important thing to remember is that this is a process. It won’t all change immediately — but you can teach yourself to think more positively about yourself. There are some days where it will be harder than others, or some weeks, AND THAT IS OKAY. Listen to yourself, and be kind to yourself. xo

ahh! that song that you posted was cool for a bit, but i couldn't help but notice the obvious skinny shaming. she used the term "skinny bitches" and portrayed the skinny woman to be fake, and lacking in substance. I also was put off by her validating her loving her body by saying that men like those bodies better. why does it always have to be about men and pleasing them! whyyyyyy. help, plz explain

Asked by
catsoncatsondrugs

a couple of things to read (tl;dr, skinny shaming is not the same thing as fat shaming and not on the same level of oppression or pervasiveness)

ia that song isn’t as good as it could be and that there are problematic aspects, among them that it promotes a girl-vs-girl aesthetic that I am not into, and I don’t want everything to be about men either! but I reblogged it for a few reasons:

  • the validation of sexual desirability can be a huge part of fat empowerment. i think that’s an important thing to remember in conversations about sexualization and sexuality — validation of desirability is a huge, huge part of many people’s body acceptance journey.
  • media like that doesn’t exist in very great quantities, and spreading it around contributes to success and might lead to more of it. WHO KNOWS.
  • just because something isn’t perfect doesn’t mean we should totally discount it, imo. most things are problematic. it’s a balancing act.
  • lots and lots of different kinds of bodies and POC! representation is important

granted, I work 12 hour days most of the week and am exhausted nearly all of the time (y’all may have noticed this blog is not nearly as active as it used to be) so I did not actually contribute to the commentary going around on that video, nor did I actively seek out any of the many threads full of great discussion. that’s my bad.

You say, "This is a judgment-free zone" in the "About this site" sidebar. But, as I understand it, in your "Open Letter to Men Who Cry 'Misandry'", you say presumptuous things about men who claim that many women do hateful things against men, and in "Man-Hating 101", you are also presumptuous that an oppressed minority cannot be prejudiced against their oppressors as a whole. My question is, how do these two seemingly judgmental claims of yours line up with this being a judgment-free zone?

Asked by
cratylus

In your upworthy article on wonder woman, how about actually addressing the actual misandry part, since it is a legitimate claimed that you conveniently brushed over. A female only society that kills men and their own male babies sounds pretty god damned misandrist to me. Then there is the original sexist origin story from the creator of Wonder Woman that apparently no men equals a utopia, which is bullshit.

Asked by
Anonymous

Sounds like someone is mad because there’s finally going to be a Wonder Woman movie.

What is it like to be related to Wonder Woman, and how can I become as awesome as you?

Asked by
advodude

Related? I mean, nobody’s ever seen the two of us in the same room, so…

Again, I’m pretty average. But I find that choosing to be kind as much as possible goes a long way.