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Hi, Kaye. I have this hang up about tattoos - that I won't allow myself to get any until I lose weight and am less flabby. This is partially due to the ideas that tattoos look better on fit bodies, and that tattoo artists don't want to tattoo overweight people. But those ideas only ever apply to myself. I don't know how to readjust my thinking to a place where I could go get a tattoo without worrying about my body. I've been trying to lose weight for ten years without success. Love the blog.
Asked by
Anonymous
NSFW images all up in this thread.
FRIEND. Get that damn tattoo.
Here are all the reasons you should get that tattoo:
- I’ve legit never talked to a tattoo artist who cared what kind of body their client has. And I’ve talked to many because I’m planning a pretty intense tattoo on my back! In my experience, people who are interested in body modification tend to be more body positive than not.
- And if by some chance you do run into an asshole tattoo artist, kick that person in the shins. (Sidenote: this is good advice for dealing with assholes in general).
- Tattoos look amazing on all kinds of bodies. Here are tattoos on different kinds of bodies:
- Margaret Cho (who has one of the best rants about covering your body in art I’ve ever read)
- An old person:
- An old, flabby person:
- IDK I’m pretty sure all of those tattoos are pretty fucking awesome.
- Your body is going to change regardless of whether or not you lose weight, you know? That’s part of aging. That’s part of being a human. No tattoo is going to look the same the day you get it as it will when you’re 85 (though it will be no less badass).
- This is something that you want to do and that will make you happy. You won’t hurt anyone by doing it. Therefore, it is a good idea.
I can’t tell you exactly how to readjust your thinking, you know? There are strategies — like replacing the negative thoughts about yourself with positive ones when you have them, like thinking about tattoos on your body in terms of “I’m so excited” instead of “I can’t do that yet” — but that’s a you-journey. I know you can do it. I also know that your tat, when you get it, is going to be fucking awesome.
You're fucking beautiful and such an inspiration to me.
Asked by
Anonymous
Hi :) I've been quietly following for a while now, and if I've learned anything- weight does not imply lack of health. I heard the word "overweight" in something today and I'm wondering- is that term even viable? It is based on the idea that there is an ideal healthy weight... The word is pointless if there's not an ideal weight for a person to be measured against, isn't it? (Thanks!)
Asked by
slythgf
Hi!
Yeah, it’s a pretty pointless word. I always ask people, “Over what weight?” “Ideal weight” varies greatly from person to person and is affected by chronic disease, genetics, and lifestyle (by that I mean someone who hikes a lot is going to have a different kind of body than someone who swims a lot, for instance; fitness differs based on activity).
The problem is that ideal healthy weights are based on the BMI, which is a system that was originally developed for populations, not individuals, in the 19th century, and has been changed since then so that it’s… really not an accurate measure of anything. Interestingly, 7 of the 9 people who decided to change the threshold for obesity owned or worked for weight loss companies. Funny how that works.
Hi Kaye! I'm fat and recovering from a restrictive ED. My mom, dad, and doctors (I have some supposedly fat-related health conditions) are all really triggering and keep pushing me to lose weight. How can I make them stop? I've talked to them about it multiple times by saying that it hurts my feelings/is upsetting, and they lay off for a little while, but not for long. (I'm 18 and don't live at home, but visit frequently and will be there for months over the summer)
Asked by
Anonymous
(TW: Eating disorders)
Hey! Ugh, that sucks. Do they know about your ED? If so, have you tried framing your request in terms of that — like, “Mom, dad, I know you’re worried about my health and that’s why you comment on my weight. But when you do that, it makes me more likely to relapse into my ED. Please make the effort to frame your concern in different ways in the future.”
I’d also suggest trying to find a more understanding primary care doctor, if you can.
You can also find counselors that can help you facilitate this discussion — I know I push this line ALL THE DAMN TIME, but NEDA’s help and support options are awesome. Even if you have just one conversation with them about it, they might be able to give you some better strategies (I’m lucky in that my mom is a social worker, so she understood “I can’t have this conversation because mental health reasons” pretty easily). And if nothing else, you can use those support lines for when you’re triggered by your family.
I’m glad you don’t live with them, tbh. I love my family but moving out was probably the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, but I remember well how moving home for summer months was hard as shit. I’m glad you’re reaching out for help!
I think it's really lovely that even though that last person sort of attacked you, rather than approach you with a question, you saw what their criticism was and edited your previous post to be more clear. It's just such a present example of positivity and openness. Thank you for that! :)
Asked by
intellectualgoulash
Thank you for your kind message!
Note to anyone who gets mad by something I say or how I say it: please just tell me. I’m a person too (GODDAMN IT, I’M A PERSON TOO), and I’m more than willing to talk things out. Seriously!
So a few days ago i was walking around with my friend and this guy literally stopped walking and started looking at my boobs very directly, almost putting his face on it. I know i may be overreacting but when i got home all i could think about was blaming myself for not covering my chest enough (but it was just a t shirt) and when i told my mom about this she went 'you need to get used to this, cover yourself more next time' But really? why can't I wear whatever i want without getting harrased?
Asked by
Anonymous
WHAT. EW @ THAT GUY. EW TIMES TEN MILLION. You are definitely not overreacting! That person invaded your space, treated you like an object, and made you feel unsafe. Being upset by that is absolutely not an overreaction.
The short answer for “why can’t I wear whatever I want without getting harrassed” is sexism.
The longer answer is that men are raised surrounded by messages that they are entitled to look at a woman’s body if they want to, to comment on her body, and that women’s bodies exist for their sexual enjoyment.
I’m sorry this shit happened to you. It happens to me, too, whenever I go outside wearing shorts. Or a low-cut top. Or clothing, of any kind, ever.
Your mom sounds like she cares about your safety. But! I think what she means is that you need to find a coping strategy that works for you, and that’s true. For her, that coping strategy is “cover up,” but I’m willing to bet she knows that it won’t really make a difference — street harassment happens to women who wear full burqas as well as women who wear crop tops and Daisy Dukes. It has nothing to do with the clothes, and everything to do with the culture.
So, what’s your coping strategy? It’s something you have to figure out for yourself. Me, I tend to shove past people, flip them off, or threaten them with mace in really dire circumstances. Once I took a picture of a guy who was following me down the street telling me he wanted to bite my ass and told him I was going to put it on the Internet if he didn’t leave me the fuck alone.
But I’m a confrontational person. Not everyone is. Circle of 6 app exists — if you have a smartphone, download it. (This goes for everyone who’s reading this, go download that app). You can pretend to make a phone call, or pretend not to hear, or tell some dickbag that you have a boyfriend.
Lots of people ignore it. You can do that, too. All of these are perfectly valid in-the-moment coping strategies. You do not have to engage with the person who is harassing you. They’re not entitled to a response just because they’re leering at your rack.
I want to make a mention here of what happens when you get home, and you feel shitty and triggered and scared, because those coping strategies are a little harder. One night, street harassment very nearly escalated into an assault when I told the guy to leave me and my friends the fuck alone. That night was much harder — I didn’t sleep, basically. I called my mother sobbing the second that I could. It took a while to get over it.
All this to say that street harassment is scary, and it’s okay to feel scared. You’re not alone in that. And there are things you can do and steps you can take to make yourself feel safer, or to help yourself feel better after something that makes you feel unsafe happens. Personally, I rant to friends. I rant on the Internet. I read all the actions HollaBack has.
Wear what you want to; wear what makes you feel good and strong and courageous, because you’re all of these things. And fuck the street harassers. Or don’t, actually — eternal celibacy upon them!
Readers, anybody else have coping techniques? I feel like this is a good conversation to have.
No, being fat does not automatically make you unhealthy. [giant list of articles and studies, another giant list of articles and studies, a single article]
No, unhealthy people (who are also, mind you, thin people — that’s a Venn diagram, not two separate graphs) are not less deserving of love, dignity, and acceptance than healthy people. A person with fibromyalgia is not more or less worthy of being loved and supported than a person with diabetes or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. A person with depression is not more or less worthy of being loved and supported than a person without. I’m not going to cite sources here — I just feel like that’s a really obvious thing to point out. Further, the health of an individual is between that person and their doctor.
Yes, I think promoting full-body health is a good thing. This is why I’m a proponent of HAES. However, focusing that promotion solely on fat people is ridiculous, starting that conversation with “thin = healthy and fat = unhealthy” is both counterproductive and not actually based in fact, and using shame as a motivational technique clearly doesn’t work (if it did, everyone in America, at least, would be thin).
I’m glad you’re taking steps to becoming a happier person. I genuinely am. Happiness is so important, and such a tough journey.
Just wanted to say thanks. Saw the dove ad on Facebook and noticed immediately that none of the beauties were fat. Cause how can you be fat and beautiful? Heaven forbid! What happens when you are fat and don't have "such a pretty face". Do you eventually spontaneously combust from our own fat? Whatever. You were linked to the ad as one of the detractors, and I found your blog, and it just made me feel good. So, for today, I feel good and want to thank you.
Asked by
Anonymous
Thank you!
There’s such a huge difference between saying to someone, “You fit societally accepted standards of beauty more than you thought you did!” and saying to someone, “Our societally accepted standards of beauty are total unrealistic bullshit, you’re beautiful.” It’d be nice if Dove acknowledged that.
How can someone that does not like her body write about "body positivity" and "body acceptance? It doesn't really matter if your are fat or thin, but happy. Of course, there are a lot of sad and unfair social issues out there in the world... you're not going to solve them with hate dough, but with love. I'm a woman that does not think feminism is the way, not the key... Why should we be against man? why should we be like them or why should we be like anybody else? Love, shine, be happy, be you.
Asked by
Anonymous
- I don’t hate my body. It annoys me that you assume I do.
- I am happy. It annoys me that you assume I’m not.
- I agree that love is the way. It annoys me that you think people who feel badly about themselves can’t also be forces of love in the world.
- Feminism is absolutely not about being against men. Oy, but I am tired of pointing that out to people.
- People should not feel like they need to be like any other people, male or female or otherwise. Being themselves is enough.
It’s good that you want people to be healthy. But you can’t give people a message that it’s okay to be a bully. Because it isn’t. It isn’t okay. People die from others bullying them; they self-harm and commit suicide. It’s a fact. I know it and you know it. You can tell it’s good to focus on health, because there’s nothing wrong with that. But you can’t tell people it’s okay to bully others about their bodies or their weight. I know deep inside, you know that too. So please get into some therapy, stop projecting your viciousness and hate onto others, and show the world that you can be a kinder person. Nobody wants to be a bully.
(rebloggable by request)
