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haleycue replied to your post: Hi! Do you feel like there a big feminism wave waiting aroung the corner?
these waves is constant
Definitely. Intergenerational feminism FTW.
you've probably gotten plenty of questions like this before, but how do you recommend relaxing during sex when you're extremely uncomfortable with your weight/body?
Asked by
Anonymous
Be kind to yourself. Your partner wants to be there with you — they aren’t under some illusion that your body is something it’s not. Take deep breaths. Think about the things your body does for you that you appreciate, and the parts of you that you are fond of. Be unapologetic about loving those parts of you. Ask for reassurance — we all need reassurance sometimes, and it’s okay to get it from your partner. Let yourself feel good without being ashamed of it, because you deserve to feel good as much as anyone else does. Forgive your body, and forgive yourself for when you’ve been cruel to it.
Read this. Read this. Read this. Read this. Read this. Reread any of the ones that resonate with you as many times as you need to. Find other things that resonate. Reread all of them, any time you need to.
Remember this: You are deserving of love. Remember this: Becoming comfortable in your own skin is a process and a journey, and how it will happen and how long it will take is entirely up to you. You get to choose this path.
Also?
Have as many goddamn orgasms as you can.
It tends to lack some of the sexist trappings, but it's still a pretty skeevy term in queer communities (and definitely doesn't have *no* sexism, even if it's two guys).
Asked by
shorm
(in response to this question)
Thanks Drew!
My two-cents: I don't see how "friendzone" is acceptable in any case; regardless of orientation, it still insinuates a sense of entitlement/shame towards people for having personal feelings and preferences. I was actually just rejected tonight by someone because she is not attracted to female-bodied people, and I've been in love with my straight female friend for months. Shaming either of those people for having a sexual orientation incompatible with mine is ridiculous and unacceptable.
Asked by
asexual-not-a-sexual
(In response to this question). Word. I agree. Thanks Carly!
Do you know of any writing on the term "friendzone" that isn't heteronormative? A queer friend told me in passing that it's a much less skeevy term in queer circles because it refers to the experience of crushing on a straight person who won't ever return the romantic interest... but that sounds pretty much the same as the hetero friendzone to me. Is it lacking the entitlement of hetero friendzoning maybe? :/
Asked by
Anonymous
I’m not queer! Or like, not queer enough to give myself a queer identity and fold myself into the queer community. Therefore I’m not really comfortable commenting.
Followers, anyone have any suggestions?
Hello. How would you go about responding to a statement such as "Why can't I hit a girl if she hits me first. If men and women are equal..." I have a friend who constantly brings this up playfully, (who would never actually hit me).. but I get frustrated with how to respond confidently. Thanks!
Asked by
Anonymous
Hitting people is wrong! Don’t hit people (unless they expressly ask you to, you trust each other, and there is a safeword involved)!
Your key phrase there is “If men and women are equal,” because we don’t live in that world. Men and women ARE equal, but they are not TREATED equally. Instead, we live in a world where women get thrown out of state courthouses for saying the word “vagina,” women’s bodies are still legislated (by men), most positions of power are still held by men, and it is overwhelmingly men who make the laws and the media and the rules.
Until homeboy understands that and all of its implications, he’s not going to understand why saying dumb shit like “If men and women are equal, I can totally hit a girl if she hits me first!” isn’t okay.
Can you please explain your opinions of Lena Dunham (or if I may have missed it, link a post that you've already done). I'm genuinely curious as to why you think she's such a setback to feminism on television.
Asked by
Anonymous
I’M SO BORED WITH THE DEBATE OVER LENA DUNHAM
I am a twenty-something with LITERALLY NO OPINION about Lena Dunham anymore
Mainstream media needs to have more POC, mainstream media needs to have more people who aren’t cis white men PERIOD, and nobody should be saying they speak for an entire gender/race/whatever because dude, no, you can’t, the end.
Of the six messages I’ve gotten in the last week about Lena Dunham this is the only one I will be answering. If you have questions about feminism in the media or media intersectionality or intersectionality in feminism, ask them instead. OK COOL.
yay for body positivity! I've always been very trim and used to be very conscious of keeping it that way, but lately I've put on a few pounds (metabolism's probably slowing down) and you know what? it feels great. I love the new softness the extra weight gives, and I don't get ill as often. All that paranoia was pretty much unfounded. what you're doing is swell, I hope it gets around this valentine's day! (p.s that little voice knows nothing, you look hot dude)
Asked by
maladroix
True fact: Once I lost 70 pounds and didn’t have any more confidence or any less self-doubt than I did pre-weight loss. It’s all in how comfortable you are with yourself.
And also:
You seem like an aggressive force of love.
Asked by
Anonymous
This is PROBABLY the best thing anyone’s ever said to me.
What up, questions I got within a day of each other! I’m gonna answer these together because while they’re not quite the same thing, they’re sort of the same thing.
To answer the first question: No, because structural sexism isn’t a tool of oppression against cis men in the way it is against cis women. Sexism doesn’t move both ways in equal measure. The term “friendzone” has become slang shorthand for “I deserve sex from this girl because I was nice to her,” which I think we can all agree is total BS.
But the term itself is kind of total BS, tbh.
Here’s the annoying thing about a “friendzone” — I actually understand SOME OF the mentality behind it (like, the non-gross version), because it sucks to wanna date someone and have them be all, “No [thank you] [because I am in love with my aunt Muriel] [because I am currently on a journey of self-discovery] [because you matter a lot to me and I’m not in a place for a relationship right now] [because I’m in a deeply committed relationship with my Iron Man socks] [because I am never dating anyone ever again] [because I don’t even understand my own sexuality] [because I need my lover to speak a very specific dialect of French and you do not] [because I am not attracted to you].” Some of those suck more and/or are weirder than others. So I get it! I get how much it sucks, and/or is weird.
But here’s the thing, Asker Of Question 2: if you care about somebody, and they care about you but they don’t want to date you, then you get to be friends with that person. Damn. That’s just the fucking coolest. Friends still hang out. Friends still talk to each other about deep-seated insecurities, slightly paranoid worldviews, awesome movies, terrible music, and phallic vegetables.
Remember that your friend isn’t required to love you back romantically just because you’re friends, even if your friendship is eight billion times more important to either of you than any of your other friendships, even if every single person they choose to date is terrible for them, even if you can’t imagine a world where you are not waking up in this person’s bed on Saturday morning, even if you really really want to put your mouth on their mouth, even if you know everything about this person and they know everything about you. Even if you are in love with them. You are a person who deserves love, but you are not a person who is going to guilt this friend you love about not feeling romantic feelings for you. Right? Right.
You need to respect their boundaries, and (possibly more importantly) you need to take care of yourself.
If your friend was nasty/mean/otherwise unnecessarily a dick to you when you told them that you were into them, cut that sucker loose. It is absolutely not worth your time to invest energy into someone who greeted a declaration of love with something hurtful. Period. Your love is a gift, and someone who throws it back in your face is not someone you need in your life.
But let’s assume that this isn’t what happened, and that you and your friend had an awkward but ultimately good conversation about your feelings. Sometimes, to be friends with this person you’ve just expressed your unrequited romantic interest in, one or both of you is going to need to take a little time to reassess how this friendship is going to work in your post-declaration-of-interest world. Depending on how serious your feelings are, you might be in for some work — work like communicating more carefully with each other, defining your boundaries more clearly, or (if you are in a lot of pain, which it sounds like you might be) taking a breather from the closeness that has mattered so much to you. All of these things are healthy and OK. It is important that you do what you need to in order to take care of yourself.
I know this sucks. I know this sucks. But nothing sucks forever, and I bet you and your friend are going to figure shit out. If a relationship matters to you, you work on it.And all relationships take work, Asker of Question 2. Even friendships (maybe especially friendships). It’s okay for it to feel hard for a little while. Be patient, be kind and gentle with yourself, and be open to the work. It will be okay.
