how to dress for your shape: are you human-shaped? play up your natural sex appeal by wearing whatever the fuck you want
Life Tip: As the weather gets warmer, continue to wear whatever the fuck you want. Flaunt everything or keep it cool under cover. Dress to make yourself feel rad.
how to get a bikini body:
put a bikini on your body
Want to look great naked? Take all your clothes off.
Want to feel good in bed? Try a Tempurpedic mattress.
Want a great beach body? Take your body to the beach. Frolic in ocean. Repeat.
Looking to lift up your breasts? Hold them and lift them up. Motorboat yourself if possible.
By now it’s entirely likely you’ve seen it: Dove put out an ad where a bunch of women sit down and describe themselves to a forensic artist. Then, a stranger they just met describes them to a forensic artist. Surprise! They’re not as ugly as they think they are!
Look, here’s some real talk: I do not know a single person who doesn’t struggle with body image on a daily basis, male or female, to varying degrees. And when I first watched this ad, I was moved. Of course I was — they’re paying a lot of people a lot of money to ensure I am moved. And it is, in fact, moving to see an advertisement so clearly focused on pointing out that people are often their own harshest critics, and that being hard on yourself isn’t fair. I loved that. Let me repeat: I loved that, and was nearly in tears for a good part of the ad.
I am all for things that make people feel more beautiful. To paraphrase Margaret Cho, I’m gutted by those who don’t find most others beautiful, because they’re missing out on a lot of beauty in the world. I have no doubt that the women featured in this ad did feel shitty about themselves, and might still. Listening to them describe themselves felt like… Well, like listening to myself. Can’t be too vain, here. Gotta be “honest.” Gotta play ourselves down, all the time, as if admitting that we like something about ourselves is a cardinal sin.
God, it hurt.
And then we got to the strangers, and the first stranger says, “She was thin, so you could see her cheekbones… And her chin? It was a nice, thin chin…”
God, that hurt too.
Thin, thin, thin. The mantra I’ve been repeating to myself my whole goddamn life. No part of me is thin or ever has been. My wrists, maybe? Uh?
Of course, they show the women seeing their portraits, too — the ones they described and the ones others did. And most of them tear up. I would, too. Hell, I did, too, because when I watched this the first time I was emotionally tangled up in it in a way I didn’t expect. I wanted to like it; I wanted to be moved. I was moved.
One woman looked at the portrait of herself that she’d drawn and said, “This one looks more… closed off. Fatter. And sadder, too.”
I wanted to love this ad. I wanted so badly to believe that an advertising company is using its considerable powers for good. I wanted to feel like acceptance is a thing, like at least one ad company really is trying to expand the ideas of what beautiful is and what people want to see.
Instead, I got more of the usual: Thin good. Fat bad. It triggered serious body dysmorphia in me today that I had a lot of trouble dealing with and tried to ignore or circumnavigate instead of approaching head-on.
Why are we so validated by this dichotomy of fat versus thin? Why are we so relieved when others tell us we’re thinner than we think we are, or that we’re not fat? I ask these rhetorical questions because I have answers: we equate good traits with thinness and bad traits with fatness. Thin people are friendly, open, healthy, beautiful, and good. Fat people are lazy, stupid, gluttonous, unhygienic, ugly, and bad. When you tell someone you don’t think they’re fat, what you’re usually telling them is that you don’t associate any of the aforementioned traits with them. This has nothing to do with whether or not they are actually fat.
Ultimately, Dove is trying to sell us something, and that something is a cosmetics product. Given this, I understand that my frustration is probably a little unfair, but God, am I sick of feeling alienated by campaigns promoting “real beauty” that want nothing to do with my fat ass.
I’d like to quote this, but it is in its entirety just perfect. But here is a teaser:
You have to find a way to inhabit your body while enacting your deepest desires. You have to be brave enough to build the intimacy you deserve. You have to take off all of your clothes and say, I’m right here.
I have it bookmarked for the days in which I feel like shit. Read the whole thing, seriously.
“You would look so much better if you lost some weight-“
“You would be so much cuter with make up-“
“Make sure you shave or wax way all that body hair-“
“You shouldn’t wear that-“
“You would be beautiful if you just changed how you look-“
As a fat kid, I was made very aware that my body was wrong. I got it from all angles, but the adults. The adults were the worse.
I remember one of the first times I knew I was fat, and also knew that being fat was bad. I was five-years-old and going to a classmate’s pool party. I remember being dropped off and marching into the pool area, ready to get busy with some fake wave action — I was so excited to be at such a fancy pool. However, as soon as I arrived, one girl — a girl whose name I remember to this day! — told me I should “cover up” because I was “so fat”. Worst part, I remember looking to the adults — including her own mother — and thinking that someone would do something, but they all just giggled and half-heartedly told her to knock it off. I wonder where that girl learned it from. (Read: I don’t, it was clearly her shitty mom.)
I spent the rest of the party in a bathroom stall, waiting for my mom to pick me up. I was too embarrassed to tell her what happened, for fear she, too, would realize I was fat. I already knew that she thought fat was bad because of all the shit she talked about her own body.
Obviously that shit affected me in ways that are still difficult to talk about — and frankly, not all of those ways were bad. I grew tough as nails eventually, and have a well of courage and strength that’s pretty fucking deep. I also have a deep empathy for and kinship to people (and animals!) in unfair and difficult situations — and that’s served me well in lots of ways. I’m happy with who I am.”
Overidentifying with this article like a bawse.
And they’re like amazing nine-year-olds who will rule the world someday and they say, “Hey, would you like to buy some cookies?” can you not tell them “No, thank you, I’m watching my weight/afraid of getting fat/can’t have them in my house?”
Because what you’re telling those girls is that fat = bad and that weight matters more than trying to learn how to run a business and that cookies are a moral failing. They are NINE. For realz, if you don’t want some cookies, just say “No thank you!”
This message brought to you by the multiple women who said something like that to a seven-year-old and an eleven-year-old trying to sell some cookies in their merit-badge-studded vests outside of a supermarket today.
They had a sign that said “If you’re worried about gaining weight, you can always donate!”
Don’t tell me that’s not some of the most heart-wrenching shit you’ve heard today.
ADVICE VLOG #2: IS IT OK TO BE PART OF A BODY-POSITIVE MOVEMENT AND STILL FEEL SHITTY ABOUT MYSELF?
I get this kind of question a lot. The short answer: yes. Of course it is. Everybody feels shitty about themselves. I feel shitty about myself today, for instance. It happens! It’s like, part of the cycle of being human.
This is a really short video, but if you have any follow-up questions, feel free to ask me.
Things I neglected to include in this video that I want to say here: If you feel shitty about yourself for a while or your shitty feelings make you want to hurt yourself, please reach out. You deserve love and support. Like, you really, really do. Everybody does. You can call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.
ADVICE VLOG #1: THE PERSON YOU’RE FUCKING SHOULD WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED.
NSFW: I say “fuck” a lot and talk about nudity.
I had an anonymous question today that so distressed me that I needed to answer it WITH MY ACTUAL FACE.
Note: I got a follow-up question from this same anon (indicating they were the same anon) telling me they were indeed a lady datin’ a dude, which I forgot to mention while recording this video — otherwise I’d totally be a heteronormative jerk, and ain’t nobody got time for that.