big fat feminist

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undeadlife:

If you actually think physical attractiveness is important in a relationship, you are not shallow. To make a good relationship last you have to be physically and mentally attracted to the person. I am tired of seeing people being called shallow simply because they are looking for someone attractive to them, mentally and physically.

You are shallow when physical attractiveness is the only thing that keeps you two together.

It is, however, incredibly important to examine what your personal constructs of attractiveness are, and naive to go through life without taking the time to do this — after all, certain kinds of attractiveness have been drilled into us from birth, and the images we see of what we should consider attractive aren’t organic. They’re manufactured to keep people anxious and insecure, and therefore keep them buying the products the companies that manufacture our ideas of attractiveness want us to buy.

So yes, your proclivity for brunettes or freckles might be organic, but the overwhelming resistance to the attractiveness of fat people or non-Western conforming POC is not organic in the slightest.

Just something to think about.

(via tommyshepherds)

ADVICE VLOG #1: THE PERSON YOU’RE FUCKING SHOULD WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED.

NSFW: I say “fuck” a lot and talk about nudity.

I had an anonymous question today that so distressed me that I needed to answer it WITH MY ACTUAL FACE.

Note: I got a follow-up question from this same anon (indicating they were the same anon) telling me they were indeed a lady datin’ a dude, which I forgot to mention while recording this video — otherwise I’d totally be a heteronormative jerk, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

you've probably gotten plenty of questions like this before, but how do you recommend relaxing during sex when you're extremely uncomfortable with your weight/body?

Asked by
Anonymous

Be kind to yourself. Your partner wants to be there with you — they aren’t under some illusion that your body is something it’s not. Take deep breaths. Think about the things your body does for you that you appreciate, and the parts of you that you are fond of. Be unapologetic about loving those parts of you. Ask for reassurance — we all need reassurance sometimes, and it’s okay to get it from your partner. Let yourself feel good without being ashamed of it, because you deserve to feel good as much as anyone else does. Forgive your body, and forgive yourself for when you’ve been cruel to it.

Read this. Read this. Read this. Read this. Read this. Reread any of the ones that resonate with you as many times as you need to. Find other things that resonate. Reread all of them, any time you need to.

Remember this: You are deserving of love. Remember this: Becoming comfortable in your own skin is a process and a journey, and how it will happen and how long it will take is entirely up to you. You get to choose this path. 

Also?

Have as many goddamn orgasms as you can.

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What up, questions I got within a day of each other! I’m gonna answer these together because while they’re not quite the same thing, they’re sort of the same thing.

To answer the first question: No, because structural sexism isn’t a tool of oppression against cis men in the way it is against cis women. Sexism doesn’t move both ways in equal measure. The term “friendzone” has become slang shorthand for “I deserve sex from this girl because I was nice to her,” which I think we can all agree is total BS. 

But the term itself is kind of total BS, tbh.

Here’s the annoying thing about a “friendzone” — I actually understand SOME OF the mentality behind it (like, the non-gross version), because it sucks to wanna date someone and have them be all, “No [thank you] [because I am in love with my aunt Muriel] [because I am currently on a journey of self-discovery] [because you matter a lot to me and I’m not in a place for a relationship right now] [because I’m in a deeply committed relationship with my Iron Man socks] [because I am never dating anyone ever again] [because I don’t even understand my own sexuality] [because I need my lover to speak a very specific dialect of French and you do not] [because I am not attracted to you].” Some of those suck more and/or are weirder than others. So I get it! I get how much it sucks, and/or is weird.

But here’s the thing, Asker Of Question 2: if you care about somebody, and they care about you but they don’t want to date you, then you get to be friends with that person. Damn. That’s just the fucking coolest. Friends still hang out. Friends still talk to each other about deep-seated insecurities, slightly paranoid worldviews, awesome movies, terrible music, and phallic vegetables. 

Remember that your friend isn’t required to love you back romantically just because you’re friends, even if your friendship is eight billion times more important to either of you than any of your other friendships, even if every single person they choose to date is terrible for them, even if you can’t imagine a world where you are not waking up in this person’s bed on Saturday morning, even if you really really want to put your mouth on their mouth, even if you know everything about this person and they know everything about you. Even if you are in love with them. You are a person who deserves love, but you are not a person who is going to guilt this friend you love about not feeling romantic feelings for you. Right? Right.

You need to respect their boundaries, and (possibly more importantly) you need to take care of yourself. 

If your friend was nasty/mean/otherwise unnecessarily a dick to you when you told them that you were into them, cut that sucker loose. It is absolutely not worth your time to invest energy into someone who greeted a declaration of love with something hurtful. Period. Your love is a gift, and someone who throws it back in your face is not someone you need in your life.

But let’s assume that this isn’t what happened, and that you and your friend had an awkward but ultimately good conversation about your feelings. Sometimes, to be friends with this person you’ve just expressed your unrequited romantic interest in, one or both of you is going to need to take a little time to reassess how this friendship is going to work in your post-declaration-of-interest world. Depending on how serious your feelings are, you might be in for some work — work like communicating more carefully with each other, defining your boundaries more clearly, or (if you are in a lot of pain, which it sounds like you might be) taking a breather from the closeness that has mattered so much to you. All of these things are healthy and OK. It is important that you do what you need to in order to take care of yourself.

I know this sucks. I know this sucks. But nothing sucks forever, and I bet you and your friend are going to figure shit out. If a relationship matters to you, you work on it.And all relationships take work, Asker of Question 2. Even friendships (maybe especially friendships). It’s okay for it to feel hard for a little while. Be patient, be kind and gentle with yourself, and be open to the work. It will be okay.

Please help me to better grasp the situation with Chris Brown and Rihanna. I don't understand why everyone is okay with him now? And why Rihanna is being friendly to him?

Asked by
Anonymous

I don’t think “everyone” is okay with him — I think that he makes a lot of money through a very dedicated fanbase, and therefore the music industry is willing to let his behavior slide.

I can’t speak for Rihanna, and I don’t think it’s right to dissect her choices as if we know what’s going on in her life. We don’t! Straight up. Here are some resources about abusive relationships that might help you understand the dynamics of that cycle, and here’s a piece by Roxane Gay that gives a very empathetic, poignant POV on the situation.

Leagues of Fucking: Stay In Your Lane

roxanegay:

I cannot think of a show in recent memory that has garnered as much press and critical conversation as Girls. I find it a little baffling because other shows excite me more, but whatever. If this is what we’re going to talk about, this is what we’re going to talk about.

My issues with Girls are well documented so I am not going to belabor those points. The show has good things going for it too. One of those good things is that we get to see a reasonably attractive (but not conventionally Hollywood attractive) woman, Dunham, with a normal body—curves, gentle sagging, humanity.

Of course, people are going to comment because Hollywood and the fashion industry and other forces have so radically skewed our perception of what a normal body looks like but her body is defiantly exposed to us, every week. 

I was idly reading this recap of girls by some men at Slate when I stumbled on curious statements!

Daniel Engber asks, “Why are these people having sex, when they are so clearly mismatched—in style, in looks, in manners, in age, in everything? Why is he kissing her and begging her to stay over? Seriously, Dave—why?”

Later, he says, “I felt trapped by my unwillingness to buy into the central premise. Narcissistic, childish men sleep with beautiful women all the time in movies and on TV, so why should this coupling be so difficult to fathom? I think it’s because Hannah is especially and assertively ugly in this episode. She’s rude (“what did you do?” she asks Joshua, referring to his broken marriage), self-centered (“I’m too smart and too sensitive”), sexually ungenerous (“no, make me come”), and defiantly ungraceful (naked ping-pong).”

The moral here is that lesser attractive women, by this unspoken rubric of attractiveness, need to be polite, sexually generous, graceful, and selfless to deserve the penis and attention of a conventionally attractive man. 

MIND THESE RULES, LADIES! There are leagues in fucking. Don’t fuck out of your league if you aren’t prepared to be perfect in every other way. 

Now, these guys are just being honest and expressing their opinions, it’s all good, but I found the exchange fascinating and sad. I appreciate that they recognize how the rules are vastly different for less than conventionally attractive men. It’s a shame they cannot accept that there are any number of reasons people are attracted to one another that defy the nonsense Hollywood tries to shove down our throats. 

Despite my many issues with Girls, I am at least grateful that Dunham is bringing so many people’s bullshit out, so it can stink in the wide open.

FYI: Pubic Hair Is a ‘Fossil of Female Anatomy’»

This is a great article, and I want to draw attention to this paragraph in particular:

The fact is, this is a personal decision for a woman. If she wants your input, she’ll ask. If going down on someone who looks like an adult woman is a deal breaker for you, then it’s a deal breaker. Women can wear their hair like they just don’t care, and that includes everything up to stringing it with beads and braiding it. If this man’s girlfriend is sporting the natural look, it’s probably by choice. In a society that tells us that bald like a baby is the sexxxiest, it’s not something that a lot of ladies take lightly.

I would just like to say that if you are ever in the blessed position of going down on me and you COMPLAIN about my pubic hair, we will have a problem (and you will not be invited for any Southern eating again).

Communication during sex is the best thing ever, okay? It’s guaranteed to make you a happier person with more orgasms. And I dunno about you, but I am sometimes haunted by visions of amateur porn where one person is going down on the other and keeps having to stop to pull pubes out of their teeth. However, there is a difference between pointing out to your partner that you feel sort of like you’re simultaneously flossing and fellating and that’s a bummer and telling them that their pubic hair grosses you out because you’re not used to women having pubic hair and OMG, WHAT?

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cherrizard:

curepimmy:

prozd:

prozdandsiro:

The Bullshit Police in “Friend Zone”

Written by SungWon ProZD Cho

Illustrated by Jackson Siro Wyse

Guess what, fellas, girls are not OBLIGATED to date you, and if what she perceives as a friendship results in you being a whiny piece of garbage because she won’t date you (because how DARE she!!!), then TOO BAD.

Jackson took my “GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH YOLO” shirt from my original script and went all out with a MENAGERIE of terrible clothing.  Good job, Jackson.

pssssst new comic new comic

I can’t stop laughing at the law eagles

perfect

(via katielikesthis)

Unapologetic Fatty: Calling all sex positive fat folks!»

samnobi:

Hello lovelies. I’m hoping some of you out there could help me. A friend of mine is having a hard time finding good info and tips online for advice on how to have sex as a bigger dude. I’ve tried googling a few times too, and I can’t find anything helpful.

If you’ve got the knowledge, drop me a line! Looking to talk about:

  • Sexual positions
  • Advice on having sex as a taller fat person with a petite/slim partner
  • General tips
  • Anything related!

I appreciate any help I get to pass on! May good sex be with you.