2 posts tagged tw: domestic abuse
Gloria Steinem’s response to Lena Dunham name-dropping her during some vomitous hand-wringing concern trolling about Rihanna
If you mock and belittle and insult a DV victim for being abused or staying with or going back to an abuser, you are telling them that their abuser was right about what other people think of them and how little support there is for them from others so idk enjoy living with yourself if you like talking about how you’re “so done” with a woman for being “so stupid” or whatever
And you’re the one who’s “sending a bad message” to young girls because the message you’re sending is “I will completely abandon you if you’re ever in this situation and I might say it’s all your fault too”
And then there are the people who just dismiss it by saying “She likes abuse, she wrote an album about it!”
She didn’t consent to that abuse, regardless of whether or not she likes it.
So Gloria Steinem can understand this but her worshippers can’t.
But can we not talk about teh life of a woman of color and her decisions being a cause for teaching
say itw ith me now
WE ARE NOT AN OBJECT LESSON
Plus, people who say she likes abuse and you can tell from her album… haven’t actually listened to her album. She talks about not understanding love in “Te Amo”; love as being toxic, addictive, and ultimately destructive in “Love the Way You Lie” parts 1 and 2 (btw there’s a part 2 of that song that got less attention than Eminem version, but is EXPLICITLY about the cycle of abuse); love as being a destructive, life destroying danger EVEN AS ITS SPECTACLE defines her success in “Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary”.
Look, I’m not saying Rihanna is a feminist, or that she’s a talented lyricist. I AM saying that her packaging (and its treatment by the media) is a fascinating and provocative analysis of domestic violence… with many (white, feminist) fans going all “Shit Folks Say to Abuse Survivors.”
It fascinates me that people can see Taylor Swift’s lyrics as her working out relationship woes or whatever, but not see Rihanna’s body of work as her analyzing what happened to her & how it happened. She’s doing the work in public & white women can’t seem to see that she’s a person, much less one recovering from a lifetime of traumas & trying to find herself in this place where the only love she’s ever known has come at a price.
Hell, one can even listen to that fist-pumping club-banger “We Found Love” and realize she’s working through her own problems in her own way, and that we really have no right to be discussing her personal life because no matter what happened that night, no matter the backlash of the media and society, the only people who know those two are those two. They probably understand each other in a way that we can’t fathom. Remember, they were pretty private with their relationship, and CB has also revealed that he himself grew up in an abusive home, which has very lasting and damaging effects as far as the abuse cycle goes.
I for one am tired of people shackling these two to that one event in their past and letting it taint everything they’re trying to build of their futures. We get it, it was terrible, but from what I see Rihanna and CB are working things out with one another, and one of the main things abuse survivors need is to know they still have authority to make their own choices. She chose to return to him, and sometimes forgiveness is a lot harder than just leaving it all behind.
Chris Brown is still a dick and has horrible social skills, but I’m not going to keep crucifying him for that one event; meanwhile the white celebrities who have been known to abuse their spouses are still getting respect and prestige in the social elite simply because they are who they are…and people always acknowledge that they sought help and counseling and forgive them for their social outbursts and the like but refuse to acknowledge that CB and Rihanna have likely done the same to improve their own private relationship and instead keep crucifying them for being together and trying to put that shit behind them.
yo I just gotta take a minute, take a knee, take a Tebow and point out how much I hate this kind of meaningless truism
because you know what? sometimes you gotta throw in the fucking towel. hard work and giving things your all is all well and good but like, let’s be real, if a job or a task or a relationship is sucking your soul out through your ears it might just be time to make like a tree and branch the hell out of that particular situation (you know, if you can; obviously, if you’re poor or the task is a necessity or you’re in an abusive relationship, that adds another dimension of complexity to, well, anything).
take my ex-boyfriend for instance (no seriously, take him, he’s yours if you want his dumb ass). that relationship was not easy. that relationship was completely devoid of any kind of real communication or respect or anything other than co-dependent stifling bullshit, complete with a nice little cherry of “routinely making me feel bad about myself or insecure about our relationship,” and I tried so fucking, fucking hard because it was hard but I still thought it was something I wanted. until I wised the hell up and broke up with him for like, twelve hours in senior year, and then had a shitfit because I was still in love with him and I wanted it to work so we got back together and nothing changed because people sometimes don’t change no matter how much effort you’re trying to make and frankly let’s be a little brutally honest with ourselves here, followers, if someone needs to change for you or needs you to change for them then that’s maybe not a relationship you should be in, anyway
and dear sweet Christ NOTHING ABOUT IT WAS EASY, I have never worked harder in my life than I did at trying to taxidermy that dead relationship, but you know what? NOTHING ABOUT IT WAS WORTH HAVING, EITHER.
if something makes you unhappy or isn’t good for you and you can walk away from it, why bother telling yourself this kind of crap in the interests of making yourself feel better about that shitty, shitty situation? walk away. nothing worth having comes easy, sure, but also? nothing worth having makes you miserable for an extended period of time, either.
#this kind of rhetoric justifies abusive relationships and I just cannot deal with it #what are we telling our daughters when we tell them that ‘nothing worth having comes easy’ #right alongside ‘he’s only mean to you because he likes you’? #where does that GO? #bullshit alley that’s where
Unashamedly reblogging my personal blog, whot whot.